From the Heart, At Christmas

I’ve been finding it harder to write lately. There are always a million thoughts going on in my head, of things I want to write about but when I sit down to get them all out, I can’t. The phrases, “nobody cares”, “whats the point”, and “what you write about isn’t important” ring louder than any of the things I actually want to write about. And I fall into these traps of listening to these phrases time and time again no matter how hard I try to fight them.

Y’all, before I say anything else, I hope and pray that y’all know that I don’t write for your approval. I don’t write because I think I have something to say. I write because I think of my younger self, having a lot of thoughts but not knowing who to ask and what to do with them. I write because someone could be out there on a similar path as me and needs to know that they’re not the only one going through whatever is on their plate. I write because Jesus’ name needs to be spread. And while sometimes we can’t seem to find Him in the hard seasons of life, He’s always there, waiting for us to hear Him in the negative phrases saying, “It is finished. You’re made perfect in the blood of Jesus.”

And I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been made new in Him as we’re 5 days away from celebrating the most amazing story ever told. And I’m struggling to focus on the reason why we celebrate, because all I can focus on is that I don’t have “the perfect gifts” for anyone yet or that I don’t have my life together like everyone else. I don’t have a stable enough income to support myself outside of living with my aunt and uncle. I don’t have a husband or even a relationship for that matter. My skin isn’t clear and I’m tired all the time. All I can think about is on Christmas Day, how I’ll look around the room at my family gathered close together and I’ll remember the year that it’s been. The one that has seen more lows than highs. I’ll look around and see the ones that are missing, Nanny and Pop, Mama, even my Dad won’t be there because he’s started new traditions with his in-laws; and I’ll put on a smile and try not to tear up at all that’s missing and how much my heart hurts at Christmas time.

Every year I’ve hoped it’ll be different. Every year I’ve hoped that I’ll be able to be joyful again and yet each year I find myself on the verge of tears when December 25th comes. It doesn’t matter how much I pump myself up for it, it doesn’t matter how much I believe it will be different, the grief sets in and then the day is gone. I still find myself looking for magic at Christmas, I still find myself as the little girl who loved Disney Princess movies, wishing on stars, waiting on a prince to come, I still find myself getting my hopes up that someone will make Christmas as special as Mom did growing up.

Here’s the thing y’all, there is some type of magic at Christmas. It’s something about the lights and the music and joy being the theme, but something is always different at Christmas. But sometimes it’s hard to see the magic, sometimes the grief sets in harder than it did before. Sometimes our hearts are so broken that no amount of magic can fix it. And I guess I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to not be as joyful as everyone around you at Christmas. It’s okay that you’re heart hurts a little more than it did earlier in the year. At this time of year, we hear this phrase a lot, “Anything can happen at Christmas time.” And while that may be true, it gets our hopes up that at Christmas things will change, at Christmas our hearts will no longer be broken, at Christmas, things will be made new.

Y’all, because of the real reason we celebrate Christmas, these things are true. The entire world changed on Christmas, thousands of years ago. As a child was born of a virgin and was laid in a manger to rest, everything changed. When this child was born it was the start of all broken hearts being put back together. When this child born of a virgin came that night, it was the promise in flesh that all things would be made new. Y’all, Jesus came the way He did because He is our only hope. He came down from Heaven to be born of a virgin, live a perfect life, and then die a brutal, bloody death on a cross for undeserving sinners like you and me. And then 3 days later, he rose from a grave, defeated death so that you and I might live for Him on earth and with Him for all eternity!

Friends, when it comes to Christmas, I know that while it brings a lot of joy, it also brings a lot of sadness. At Christmas, we try so hard to believe what the Hallmark movies tell us, that anything can happen at Christmas. We believe that at Christmas, if we haven’t found love so far, we will now. At Christmas, we hope that our hearts will be lighter and that we will begin the coming year with new hope and a happier heart than what we’ve had in the past year. But I pray that you’ll remember that there’s always been love at Christmas. Not the romantic kind we all seem to search for, but real, unconditional love that was born at Christmas. I pray that you’ll remember that our hope is not in the things of this world, but in Christ alone.

You may not like what I have to write. You may not care that I write at all. And while more often than not, I’ll listen to the negative phrases in my head, I know that the Lord is using this small blog to make His name known. Merry Christmas, sweet friends!

“And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God ad saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!’ “

Luke 2:13-14 ESV